So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
