I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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