I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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