i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
