you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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