I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
