even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
