i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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