im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
