You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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