Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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