I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
