Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
