the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
