I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
