Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
