You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
