Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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