the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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