I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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