If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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