just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
