he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
