he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
