mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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