sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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