Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Randomize
