I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
