That's intense
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
