Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
