I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I just threw up on my dentist
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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