Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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