Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Sponge bath it is.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
