so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
