Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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