Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
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