so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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