I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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