my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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