atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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