Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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