Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
