So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
