my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
