Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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