I don't think brook has ever known best
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
