two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
