oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
