Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
