got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize