i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
