My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
