So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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