I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
