I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm just crazy horny about you
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
