someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
