i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
