he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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