nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
